There's that noise again. The banging on the other side of the bathroom door. I can see the handle shaking as I cover my ears. Though I can no longer hear her voice on the other side, I already know what she’s saying. We have been here before. She’ll pound at that door, and tell me to stop. Eventually, I won’t be able to understand her. Her voice will fade, almost robot like; till it is unclear. Before that I need to get rid of this burden. The burden eating away inside me.

(?) “You can’t do this again, you said you’d stop”

…I know. I think to myself.

(?) “Just unlock the door”

…No.

(?) “I know you can hear me in there, talk to me.”

I won’t say anything to her. Because I know she’s right, but right now I just can’t do it. I need to make it go away. I drop to my knees in front of the toilet. It use to hurt, but I’m numb to this pain now. I pull my hair back without even thinking about it. It’s a dance I know all too well. I stick my fingers in my mouth and in no time I feel the release of the burden I have eaten. First out comes the food. Then… out comes the shame.

(?)”You’re stronger then this can’t you see. Unlock the door, let me help”

My eyes are blinded by what I think are tears. Tears that are caught in the corner of my eye, unable to release themselves. I rise to my feet and flush the evil away. I can’t hear her anymore. Just the ringing in my ears and the racing of my heart. Its beat, is louder than the pounding at the door. It’s almost like someone put my life on mute. I see the door shack and jiggle to every hit it takes. I stare at it as I sit on the tub. Everything starts to fad, till all I can see is the door dance to the beat of the drummer on the other side.

(?) “Are you ok? Say something?”

I stand up to make my way to the door. As I rise to my feet, I can feel my body shake. I have to reach the door. I have to get out. The room feels as if it’s closing in on me. My throat, it burns from the inside. Like fire ants. I stumble my way to the sink for some water. I look up to the mirror in front of me. It looks as if someone through water over the mirror. The person I’m looking at is so unclear. I pry my eyes of the mirror and back to the door which is now covered in little white fire flies. As I open the door, it is as if timed had froze. And in that moment, I managed to match the voice with a face. The person looking back at me is me! The girl on the other side of the door was me all along. Trying to fight my way to the demon consumed inside me.

(?) “I told you to let me in. I could have stopped you.”

(Me) “I know, I couldn’t stop myself.”

(?) “We can do this together. As one. Don’t leave me on the other side of the
door.”

I do this to myself every time. I bang on the door and tell myself, no stop this. I need to stop. But I ignore myself. I get trapped in my dance of shame. And I can’t
hear myself think. Maybe next time, I shouldn’t lock the door...